From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
