As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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