how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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