my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
