Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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