Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
