what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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