There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
