remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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