dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
