im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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