Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
