I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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