I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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