I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize