doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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