Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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