You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
this will be a night to untag.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
