either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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