You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
