Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize