Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
