after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
