Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
