I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Are we still banned from the library?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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