So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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