I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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