Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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