I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
