Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
