And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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