I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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