I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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