Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
