I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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