I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
