i need an iv and a liver transplant
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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