pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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