I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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