I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
