So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
