then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
