I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
