Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
