My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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