Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
