haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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