It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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