There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
