You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
