Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
