I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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