So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
it glows. i had to have it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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